Here I am.

I cant tell you that I was in love with my baby during my pregnancy. God knows stress, worry and anger ruled my everyday life.

Yes, I was somehow very protective of him especially when it came to comments, suggestions, and opinions people had … But Love? Honestly, I don’t know what emotion I had.

When anyone asked me, ‘are you excited?’ I would say yes. After all, si that is what every mother-to-be says? That and that they are nervous about meeting the baby?

 

*Fast forward*

 

To start with I had those labors (even I have never heard of) that go for a week straight.

I went to hospital 2 exact hours before my baby was welcomed on earth and those are 2 hours you never want to ask me about.

So please don’t.

I remember when the nurse asked me to give her that last push and I reached for my ankles and pushed like that was my last breath and the next thing I knew was a very warm mass being placed on my tummy crying his lungs out.

 

You know, they really don’t make a big enough fuss to prepare you for that feeling when you two meet. Nobody tells you about the confusion. The warmth your heart suddenly experiences. Similarly, nobody really prepares you for the paralyzing fear that hits you when you realize that THIS IS A HUMAN THAT IS FULLY DEPENDENT ON YOU…

 

I cried.

Then I laughed.

Then I prayed.

Then I worshipped God.

Then I stared at his small face.

Then they lifted him away (I was on resist mode cause I hadn’t seen enough of him) and a few moments after my sanity begun gliding back to me, I quickly turned towards the dressing area and I asked if he was okay.

I wanted to walk to that place and stare at him into forever. I suddenly wanted to take on the world and fight everything and every word anyone was throwing at me. At the same time, I was paralyzed by fear and anxiety (Yes, also by the pain-numbing shots I was being given).

This was actually happening.

He was here.

Name Tag

He needed food, shelter, clothing, love, care, education… He was here and motherhood was not something I could just backtrack on when faced with paralysis like such.

 

I did not sleep that night (or any other after) but instead asked for him and kept looking at his tiny nose, hands, feet, ears…  I haven’t slept since. I am still kept awake late at night even when he is deep asleep just to see the miracle that we call life.

 

His horrible squirms when he is waking up (because for him it is a 30 mins process) make me smile like a fool even when murderous thoughts loom in my mind. I smile because I have not been a good friend, sister, daughter or even a girlfriend in the past but just looking at his cry/laugh in his sleep makes the world look much better for just a few.

 

I was told that that Is what love feels like.

 

If you told me last year March that at a similar date and time in 2018 I would be getting excited about every poop, burp and shower my boy would be handing me, I would have slapped you so hard.

 

Yet Here I am.